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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever be just a few microns away from Donald Trump's penile flesh?" Sometimes, I have to say, I just cannot believe my luck. I could never have guessed when I woke up yesterday...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone. That might sound odd to we Americans who have been told all our lives that presidents are not just role models, they represent all of us." Let he who has not...
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Religion

Pat Robertson Blames Coronavirus on 2015 Supreme Court Gay Marriage Decision

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- The United States Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage...
MAGA News

Wayne LaPierre: Obama Confiscated So Many Guns Americans Were Left Defenseless Against Coronavirus

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- NRA CEO and Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told various gun manufacturers...
MAGA News

Trump Says Signing Coronavirus Stimulus Makes Him ‘Pretty Much Really As Heroic As Doctors and Nurses’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When President Trump signed the massive $2 trillion coronavirus relief stimulus...
Science & Medicine

Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse

KARMA VALLEY, OREGON -- 53-year-old self-described "health guru" Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed,...
MAGA News

Trump Tells Gaetz and Nunes to Put On Masks and Gloves Before Licking His Balls

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When Congressmen Matt Gaetz (R-Floriduh) and Devin Nunes (R-Stupid as Fuck)...
Science & Medicine

Coronavirus Quarantine Hand Washing Has Man Starting to Enjoy the Feel of Sandpaper on His Junk

CHAFED WOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA -- Local stock trader Jay Hodges told friends in a...
MAGA News

Trump Wants To Bring Supporters Into COVID-19 Briefings Because ‘They’re Pretty Much Rallies Anyway’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- White House Press Lush Stephanie Grisham is, allegedly, also President Donald...
MAGA News

Trump: Governors Who Give Him State’s Electoral College Votes Get ‘Anything They Need’ to Fight COVID-19

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump told America's governors on a conference call today...
Economy

Kellyanne Conway: “The Trump Economy Can Easily Handle 6.6 Million Americans Filing for Alternative Employment”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, President Donald Trump tried to brace the nation for what...
Religion

Jesus Sees Image of Potato Chip in Bathroom Mirror

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This weekend, Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Trinity, Inc's...
Pew Pew!

NRA President Says Obama Confiscated So Many Guns, Americans Were Left Defenseless Against Coronavirus

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- NRA CEO and Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told various gun manufacturers...
Arts & Entertainment

Netflix Announces Tiger King Follow-Up: “Even More Assholes Treating Each Other Like Shit”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- Building off its tremendous popularity, Netflix has announced that they have...
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Latest articles

Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....
Lifestyle

Nothing Says Understanding American Freedom Like Cheering for Teenagers to Get Beaten by Cops

"...one thing I have now learned is that fascism and freedom of speech are...
Women's Rights

Florida’s Abortion Ban Has This Incel Considering a Move to Florida to Start a New Rape Family

"...Big Feminazi has poisoned the women in my life against me just because I...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)