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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever be just a few microns away from Donald Trump's penile flesh?" Sometimes, I have to say, I just cannot believe my luck. I could never have guessed when I woke up yesterday...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone. That might sound odd to we Americans who have been told all our lives that presidents are not just role models, they represent all of us." Let he who has not...
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MAGA News

Twitter Won’t Pull Down Trump’s Tweets About Fucking Jack Dorsey’s Mom

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Twitter has officially declined to pull down tweets sent...
Tech

Bill Gates Announces Windows COVID-19 Operating System

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- In just a couple of weeks, Microsoft will launch its newest...
Women's Rights

Poll: Majority of Americans Wish Trump’s Mom Had Been Pro-Choice

As the election draws closer, there's little doubt that President Donald Trump believes he's...
Criminal Justice

GoFundMe Established to Pay Legal Fees for “Anyone Who Pisses in Donald Trump’s Face”

A crowdfund has been set up with a special, Trump-specific mission in mind.
Religion

Trump Declares Houses That Worship Him “Essential”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, the President of the United States of America declared the...
Arts & Entertainment

Cornelius Fudge Says Coronavirus Seems Well Contained and Magical Economy Can Re-Open ‘Immediately’

ENGLAND, THE WIZARD WORLD -- Former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge gave an interview...
Business

Ford CEO: Trump Wore Angry, Spray-Tanned, Vagina Necked, Racist Orangutan Mask on Factory Floor

YPSILANTI, MICHIGAN -- Jim Hackett, CEO of the Ford Motor Company, told reporters today...
MAGA News

Ratcliffe Confirmed as Director of National Unintelligence

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Just hours ago, Congressman John Ratcliffe of Texas received the most...
MAGA News

Biden Commits to Unveiling Trump Presidential Portrait in Nearby Landfill

Former Vice President Joe Biden announced today that if he wins the election this...
MAGA News

Trump On Why He Votes By Mail But Doesn’t Want Anyone Else To: “It’s Good to Be President”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Goodly King Emperor Donald J. Trump casts his royal ballot in...
MAGA News

Eric Trump Says Mail-In Ballots ‘Unfairly Silence’ Women Voters

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Despite the fact that he is a mail-in voter...
MAGA News

Trump Threatens To Withhold Funding From Any State That Lets Democrats Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Elections in this country are run and officiated by state governments,...
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Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....
Lifestyle

Nothing Says Understanding American Freedom Like Cheering for Teenagers to Get Beaten by Cops

"...one thing I have now learned is that fascism and freedom of speech are...
Women's Rights

Florida’s Abortion Ban Has This Incel Considering a Move to Florida to Start a New Rape Family

"...Big Feminazi has poisoned the women in my life against me just because I...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)