Editor’s note: This op-ed was written by Vice President Mike Pence. It was faithfully re-printed from the ancient biblical scroll it was sent to our offices on without any changes.
Glory Be, Praise His Name, Jesus Christ is Our One, True American Savior™, and Holy High Greetings to You, My Fellow Americans,
Now that I have gotten the traditional, and truly most Patriotic and American Vice-Presidential Greeting out of the way, allow me to address the elephant in the room. Yes, I will be spending more taxpayer money as I continue to fly around to NFL stadiums protesting protests of the national anthem during the national anthem. You might think someone with such professed rigid, hard line, dogmatic views of wasteful government spending that it’s patently absurd for me spend dime one making political theater out of people genuinely expressing their sacred Constitutional Rights™ as Americans to air grievances against authority. Truth to be told, if this were any other issue, you’d be right.
But we all know the truth — that wasteful government spending is when you help poor families eat, not when you fly in jet planes to get fake mad at athletes protesting civil injustice. So I know that the Good Lord Above will guide you to the right conclusion — that I’m morally correct, and those mean uppity black entitled millionaire athletes are literally raping freedom and finger-fudging the brown eye of democracy itself by quietly taking a knee during the National Anthem™.
I wanted to write this letter to you, the good, clean, ammo hoarding, Christ loving American Patriots, to address another unavoidable reality — my protests of the protests simply matter more than black lives. I’m not saying black lives don’t matter. Everyone knows I believe All Lives Matter, and sure that’s a neat way of not acknowledging abuse on a massive, epidemic scale, but when I say that All Lives Matter, I mean that, especially if they’re just barely past the point of gestation or implantation.
However, that being said, again, Americans must accept as truth that my political theater is more important than police brutality, or even the summary, extrajudicial murder of black suspects by white law enforcement agents. Because if we don’t use our Freedom and Liberty™ to show undying fealty to the government we’re supposed to be in charge of, we’re not America-ing right at all. Without the glorious United States of America, there’d be much less protection for black lives. I mean, you know, starting from, like 50 years ago. Before that, it was a real crap shoot whether it could be said with a straight face that the USA has done anything truly good for the African American community…at least without also simultaneously smacking them in the face.
Wait. Am I addressing systemic racism as if it exists? Jeez Lousie Cheese and Rice! I need to go have a moment with the woman I call Mother whose vagina I’m quite familiar with, and then after I get done talking to my wife, I’ll probably call my mom and wish her a happy early birthday. Anyway, I need to go wash my brain out with soap so I can get back on message. Back soon, folks.
Okay, I’m back! Feeling great. And ready to talk about how my sycophantic nationalism is more important than African American civil rights. Ready? Where we go!
Basically it comes down to this: I’m white. I’m conservative. I’m Christian. And despite mocking those who we call “overly politically correct,” or “snowflakes,” the truth is we’re every bit as fragile about what offends us as we claim others are. Projection is a universal human ability, after all. So when I see people taking a knee during the anthem, and it’s not to protest or draw attention to causes I agree with, as an older white Christian Conservative, I get my feelings really, really, REALLY hurt.
That’s not fair, is it?
Does it comport with Constitutional Values™ to just allow people to have freedom to express themselves in peaceful ways? And even if it does, is it morally correct to do it, when you know you will hurt a lot of people’s lily-white feeling centers? I believe the answer to that question is, “No.” And while it would by wholly inappropriate and against the very spirit of the First Amendment for me to imply that these players should face some kind of real punishment from the government, allow me to do just that.
Think about it, Americans. Do we really think Freedom of Speech is so gosh darned golly heck important that we’re not willing to jail mean uppity black entitled millionaire athletes when they insult our country? Isn’t it just as important to coddle and cradle our self-inflicted ignorance to the plight of others as it is for black people to not be murdered because they’re black in the wrong place at the wrong time in front of the wrong trigger happy cop?
We all know the answers to these questions. I pray to the Good Sweet American God™ above he helps a lot of truly lost and libtarded people find their way back to Him, and more importantly, if they’re females back into our mandatory Vaginal Registration Vans that are cataloging every vagina in the country to make sure no pregnancy is terminated after the first division of cells, which we feel is a very ample compromise with so-called “pro choice” Americans.
Go With God Or Else,
Vice President Mike Pence
