5 Ways Gay Marriage Has Totally Ruined Our Straight Marriages

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Oh sure, all you libtards are upset about Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy blocking gay marriages in Idaho just one day after the Supreme Court threw out appeals of five states that were begging our government to let them continue to discriminate against the LGBT community. But what if we told you that gay marriage totally ruins straight marriages? You’d probably be upset enough to join the side fighting for the right of the repressive people to remain repressive based on their arbitrary morality standards gleaned from a book that is centuries old and has been written, re-written, edited and bastardized numerous times over the years to fit one political agenda or another, huh?

So here now are the 5 Ways Gay Marriage Has Totally Ruined Our Straight Marriages:

#5. We’re No Longer in an Exclusive Club Just Because of the Luck of Our Sexuality!

What kind of world are we living in when we can’t leverage our totally random luck in being born heterosexual into some kind of built-in privilege? For example, did the country really have it so bad when African-Americans were given equal but separate treatment in the South with Jim Crow laws? After all, they weren’t slaves anymore. So what that they couldn’t really be considered completely equal because they were forced to use different drinking fountains, sit in the back of the bus, and use separate entrances and exits for establishments that served people of all colors, just in a totally different way? It’s not like they weren’t allowed to marry whomever they wanted, right?

Oh you mean we did in fact go through the very same struggle for marriage equality almost fifty years ago but with mixed-race marriages instead of same-sex marriages? And now you’re telling me the arguments made by those in favor of keeping the races separate in marriage were almost identical to those who are currently seeking to keep LGBT people from marrying? Well, that leaves us with only one option, now that we’ve been faced with documented facts that prove we’re on the wrong side of history…


#4. Our Religious Views Aren’t The Most Important Thing In The World!

What kind of an America are we living in if we can’t make our own personal religious more important someone else’s religious beliefs? What kind of country do you libs think this is? Did you not hear the foremost Constitutional scholar Justice Anthony Scalia recently tell us all that the government can totally choose to favor religion over non-religion as it pleases? Who cares that what Scalia said flies right in the face of the actual text of the First Amendment that specifically prohibits the government from establishing any laws with respect to the establishment or promotion of a religion? Scalia we’re pretty sure was alive back when the Constitution was written, because that totally explains how someone born in the 20th century could hold social views born in the Dark Ages, and so if anyone would have an idea what a bunch of freedom-loving radicals would think, it’s the guy who represents institutionalized repression, right? Right.

#3. We’ve Had to Question Our Biases!

What kind of a country are we living in if we can’t live our lives never confronted with our own learned biases? So what that throughout history mankind has displayed a general disgusting lack of empathy for one subset of its members or another? We’ve built ourselves a nifty little bubble to keep the differing points of view that completely refute our simplistic, scared, conservative views, and we call it Fox News. Also “The Rush Limbaugh Program” and “World News Daily.” Those are the places we feel safe. We feel our biases confirmed by shocking headlines that barely pertain to the nuts and bolts of the story. We feel coddled in our antiquated beliefs by these cynical folks who run our media outlets, willfully and gleefully pumping us full of half-truths and distorted facts that are guaranteed to get views and clicks with such high velocity and volume that by the time the truth comes out about some bullshit scandal or another, it’s already become “fact” among our ranks.

If society at large starts realizing all our rhetoric is the empty bleating of a group of people too cowardly to confront the changing times and their own entrenched and illogical biases against people, then what was the point of us scaring everyone about the downfall of civilization in the first place?!

#2. Our Kids Will Grow Up In a More Tolerant World!

What kind of a universe are we living in if we’re going to make our kids have to interact with and care for people who aren’t exactly like them? Has the whole damn world turned into Mr. Rogers all of a sudden? Clearly what’s always helped humanity rise above its challenges is our ability to work apart from one another. What possible good has ever come from diverse people from diverse backgrounds working together for a common good? What’s that you say? The United States itself has benefited throughout its history from the fact that its citizens come from such different backgrounds and heritages? You’re telling us that the very idea of the “melting pot” of cultures and societies that we love to tie into our faux-patriotic rants isn’t just hyperbole, but a true gift of the paradigm of thinking that created a government based on universal equality?

Fuck that shit! We want our kids to be able to beat up other kids if they feel their biases threatened. We want our kids to harbor irrational fears and hatred of people for no other reason than the kind of genitalia they prefer on a mate. Isn’t that what makes the world stronger, unending strife and pain?

#1.  Our Personal Objection to Butt-Sex Isn’t Robbing People of Their Civil Liberties Anymore!

What kind of nation has this become if we can’t make people feel inferior because we find their sexual proclivities icky? We all know it’s a direct line from homosexuality to fucking sheep and goats in front of day care centers while President Obama jacks off to amateur Asian goat porn, right? Sure, we’re the side that pretends to be in favor of smaller government, and so you’d think we’d be against the force of the government being used to police private bedroom activities of adults, but that’s where you’re wrong. We believe in government small enough to get crammed inside your butthole. You know, to make sure we’re the only ones intruding into it.

Sure, you could argue that two dudes having buttsex doesn’t impact our lives. Yeah, you could rightfully claim that nothing terrible has ever come from two lesbians going down on each other. But that’s now how we feel. And as we all know, right-wingers have no problem with laws being written based on emotional, knee-jerk reactions. That’s why we’re always in favor of immediately writing new gun control laws in the face of school shootings, you see? What’s that? We don’t like that at all? Well, whatever, we still think two guys doing it is gross and that should be all we need in order to force someone out of society. Because “the Bible.” Duh.

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