5 Things You’ll Find in the American Hogwarts

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Author J.K. Rowling made headlines recently by confirming that in her mind, there is most definitely an American version of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the fictional school at the center of the “Harry Potter” novels she wrote and that became a hugely successful film franchise. The American version of the school will feature prominently in a new spinoff film from the Potter franchise that will feature a screenplay written by Ms. Rowling herself.

In her announcement, Rowling as keen to keep many details of the American Hogwarts under wraps, but she did mention that Native-American culture absolutely has a connection to the school. Though she intended to keep the rest of the details hidden, Rowling apparently forgot to log off her laptop at the Starbucks she made the Internet announcement at, and a list of further details was procured and sent to various media outlets. The Political Garbage Chute chose to publish what we felt were the five most interesting differences between the Hogwarts in England, and the American version of the magical school.

1. The Only Magical Things on Campus Are Bootstraps

Magic is fun and all, but it’s a little too close to cheating for American tastes. As we all know, you’re only allowed to cheat in America if you’re rich and it’s on your taxes. So in American Hogwarts, the only magical items to be found are bootstraps. These bootstraps are used to pull one’s self up and magically find gainful employment that keeps your bills paid, food in your and your family’s stomach and generally makes life better so you don’t have to cheat, or even worse, ask for help.

2. Wands Have Been Replaced With Semi-Automatic Firearms

Yeah, sure, wands are cool for dishing out disarming spells, and even an occasional petrificus spell could be quite fun. But Wizarding Law clearly forbids you from using your wand to kill, and here in America, no weapon is truly useful unless you can kill with impunity with it. That’s why all the magic wands in American Hogwarts have been replaced with good ol’ fashioned American firearms. Every manufacturer from Glock to Smith & Wesson have supplied your 11 through 17 year olds with all the stopping power they need. There’s no need for a magic bullet when you have a high-velocity, armor piercing one! Havada ka-bang-bang!

3. Intelligent Design is Taught in Potions Class

It just wouldn’t be an American school unless it was forced to teach religious dogma right alongside science. So what better class to do that in than in the wizarding world’s equivalent of chemistry? Students will not only learn how to brew polyjuice potion, they’ll also learn how Jesus Christ invented it to save us all from our sins. Your kids will not only learn how to make up a batch of any potion they need, they’ll learn how Moses walked with dinosaurs while discovering how to make said potions!

4. 75 Young Wizards and Witches Per Classroom

In America, we don’t buy into that hippy-dippy liberal bullshit that you need to have as close to a 1:1 ratio of teacher to students as possible. This is because only pussy-ass liberals need their wittle feewings coddled and special attention from the teacher. Also, this is because older Americans don’t like the idea of chipping in for the same education their elders chipped in for on their behalf. So this is why in American Hogwarts, each class has 75 young witches and wizards in it, and just one professor should be more than enough to make every child feel that they are actually learning and not being stuffed into a box and spoken at for a few hours a day.

5. The Professors Are All Grossly Underpaid and Cannot Unionize

Here in Freedom Land, we don’t believe in giving teacher’s a salary that makes them feel like they are contributing to society and are being rewarded for it. We think we should run our schools like businesses and make our profit margins as big as possible. In fact, if we could literally figure out how to turn our schools into profit centers without the lame liberals accusing us of child labor…like that’s a bad thing. Junior should be working back breaking laborious hours too, if he wants to be a real American. Anyway, the point is fuck teachers, right? So at American Hogwarts, professors are paid by the hour, about 10% above minimum wage, and they are not allowed to unionize because letting people freely associate is unAmerican too.

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