Yearly Archives: 2020

Moscow Joins Trump Lawsuit Seeking to End Vote Counting in Pennsylvania

MOSCOW, RUSSIA, -- President Vladimir Putin has authorized the Kremlin to...

Report: More Than 70 Million Americans Voted to Steal the Election from Donald Trump

In a new development, analysis of the exit polling data from...

Votes and Math Really Starting to Piss Donald Trump Off

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- There are two things that sources say are...

Palpatine Declares Himself Chancellor With Millions of Votes Left to Count From Outer Rim

CORUSCANT -- Naboo Senator Sheev Palpatine has declared himself the winner...

Trump Asks If It’s Too Late to Run Election on “Golf Scoring”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is clearly rattled, and it...

Election Day: Voters Head to Polls During Final 24-Hours of Coronavirus Pandemic

Today, millions of Americans will stand in lines, sometimes for hours,...

Trump Says a Vote for a Democrat Should Only Count as Three-Fifths of a Republican Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans are voting today for who they think...

Congratulations, America! King Trump Has Decided to Let You Vote Today!

Citizenry of America! Rejoice! For your goodly King God Emperor, Donald John...

Cruz Awaits Poll Closings and News About Whether His Wife Will Be Ugly Another Four Years

FUCKFACE, TEXAS -- Canadian-born-Super-Texan-Cowboy-Elite-Ivy-League-Lawyer Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told his staff...

Putin Wonders If He’ll Be Batting a Thousand or .500 After Votes Counted

MOSCOW, RUSSIA -- Sitting beside a roaring fire, Russian President Vladimir...