NEW YORK, NEW YORK — General Electric has announced that it has agreed to work with the Trump administration to design, develop, and sell a hundred million new, special, microwaves to be implemented in governmental offices, Planned Parenthoods, and homes of Democratic voters by the end of 2019. The new microwaves will feature “state of the tinfoil” features like a 4k-capable video processor, 128 gigabytes of on-board RAM, and a front-facing digital imaging lens capable of taking 128 megapixel pictures.
“These will be the most high tech microwaves the world has ever seen,” said G.E.’s deputy vice media liaison Helen Sharp during a Monday morning press conference, “and when Ms. Conway called to offer us this project, we jumped at the opportunity to do our patriotic duty.”
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Sharp, who was joined by top White House counselor Kellyanne Conway and Co-President Doanld Trump at a press conference announcing the TF-3000 line of “spy-crowave”microwaves, said that the microwaves will be designed to work in “commercial, home, or governmental environs” and will have a “bevy of top features inspired by Ms. Conway herself.” The spy-crowaves will be constructed to the highest of Trump standards, meaning they’ll last at least two or three weeks.
“We’re going to have G.E. make these microwaves,” Trump said, “and then we’ll put them in every federal office so we can make sure they’re implementing only the presidential agenda. Steve was very adamant his agenda be followed, and that’s what we’re gonna do.”
Conway explained that the microwaves would also go into Planned Parenthood offices to ensure no abortions were performed with federal funds. Ms. Conway also explained that the high-tech kitchen appliances will be available “free of charge” to registered Democrats.
“We want to know what Democrats are thinking, as Democrats are thinking it,” Conway explained, “so we’ll give them away to Democrats. All you have to do is agree to let us prosecute you for anything we hear you say on the surveillance tapes. But other than that, hey, FREE MICROWAVE, guys!”
Ms. Sharp explained that the TF-3000 — so named because its internal components will be wrapped in “government grade, anti-chemtrail tin foil” will cost roughly $2000 in a retail setting, but thinks that’s more than a fair price.
“Considering all the fancy tech we’re going to have to invent to meet Ms. Conway’s science-fiction level demands,” Sharp said, “anything less than two grand per unit would be highly suspect.”
RELATED: Conway and Spicer Desperately Trying to Reach Michael Flynn Via the Microwave Network
Co-President Trump told reporters and shareholders that he’s also asked G.E.’s design team to work on some other projects.
“I want fizzy lifting drinks, where you drink the soda and you fly,” Trump said, “and I’d also like the ability to beam a bar of chocolate over the airwaves to any television set in the country. If the eggheads and nerds at NASA can’t do it, then the eggheads and nerds at G.E. better be able to, or by presidential decree I will dissolve the company and declare myself King of General Electric.”
Shares of General Electric stayed steady throughout the day, despite the announcement. This is a developing story.
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