President Obama Announces He’s Spending Thanksgiving “Not Giving A Fuck” On Pacific Island

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NOUMÉA, NEW CALEDONIA —  Taking a break from surfing on the beautiful island of Grande Terre, the principal island of the French territory of New Caledonia in the South Pacific, President Obama earlier caught lunch with a number of reporters in the territory’s capital, Nouméa.

“I’d say take a seat but they belong to the restaurant,” Mr. Obama joked at the beginning of the lunch. “You’ll have to borrow your own, I can’t do it for you, Fox News gave me hell for borrowing anything for eight years — While I remember there’s a nice place to grab a drink next door. I was there yesterday, saw two guys walk into the bar, the third one ducked.”

As the waiter asked them what they would like to eat, Obama is reported to have ordered the lean beef, adding, “And by lean I mean I want the chef to cook is standing on one leg.” Then asked if he’d like soup or salad as a starter, Obama replied, “Super salad? I’ll be fine with a regular one.”

Getting down to business, the reporters asked the President if he was concerned about recent world developments, such as escalating tensions with North Korea.

“North Korea,” Mr. Obama replied, “Fuck them, not my problem anymore — Waiter, fetch the wine list.”

Obama continued.

“You know, the news that really concerns me is the fact that in Wisconsin they’ve recently made round hay bails illegal — Something about cows not getting a square meal,” Obama said. “And then there was that kidnapping at that school — Thankfully the kid woke up before the teacher noticed.”

Mr. Obama opined on his culinary tastes to the reporter.

“I love steak, not a fan of sushi, something fishy about it for me,” Obama explained. “Hey, here’s a few for you, I can get away with them when my daughters aren’t around,” Mr Obama added as the entrées arrived. “Did you hear about the coffee filing a police report? It had just be mugged! Or what about this one — How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!”

Former President Obama started telling more jokes to the interviewer as he continued to dine.

“Hey here’s one Joe told me — What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na,” Obama sang the punchline.

Although it is reported desert arrived late, the waiter is thought to have apologized to the party for their wait, “Hey, are you calling me fat,” Obama is heard to have quipped.

Asked about his plans for Thanksgiving this year, the first since he left office in January, Mr Obama said, Well I’m spending it here — Feet up, surfs up, mini bar bill up. You know, there’s just so much going on in the world today, and it’s nice just not giving a fuck.”

Asked if he knew what plans his former Vice President, Joe Biden, had for the holiday, Obama said, “Now that’s an interesting question. He wanted to join me out here, but Amtrak only goes so far — I’ve sent him an inflatable dolphin and train driver’s costume so he can swim the rest of the way though, that would be some-fin wouldn’t it?”

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