WASHINGTON, D.C. — While the country, and indeed the entire planet, awaited word on whether President Donald Trump would pull the United States out of the Paris Climate Accords, highly placed sources within the White House say the Commander in Chief was having a crisis of conscience.
“And the really ironic part about that,” one source — who would only go by the name Shmeince Shmebus — told us, “is that, medically speaking, he has no conscience. It’s true. When he was sworn in we had a whole battery of tests one, and orange bastard has bone spurs in his feet, and is very clearly lacking a conscience. Where most humans would have one, he’s got just farts and racist Breitbart headlines.”
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Despite his scientifically proven lack of conscience, however, Trump still was very unsure what to do about the Paris Climate Accords.
“He truly believes the world revolves around him,” another source said, “but he also really hates Obama, who signed the deal in the first place. His desire to really slam the black guy he taunted with racist rumors for almost a decade is so strong he’d risk destroying everything he thinks was built to honor him in the first place.”
The issue at hand, aides say, was whether Trump could pull out of the accords, putting the planet at much higher risk of further disastrous climate change effects, and still have enough of the world left to revolve around him.
“His ego is very important to him,” Shmebus explained, “like, we’re talking bigly. So anything that impacts how famous, important, or powerful he looks to everyone else is taken extra seriously. He had to weigh whether he needed a planet with people on it order for him to truly believe in his heart of hearts that he’s the most important thing on it.”
With the fate of the accords, and perhaps the climate, in the balance, the president was still waffling right up to the moment the decision was made. Several sources within the White House say that only the First Lady was able to calm Trump’s nerves. She came to the Oval Office to see if she could help when Sean Spicer went running from the room in tears after Steve Bannon called him a “mealy mouth shit weasel” for not being able to “handle questions from the evil Jew media” which forces Trump to “think way harder than we ever thought he’d have to.
“Ah, my darling Ivanka,” Trump reportedly said as his First Lady entered the office, “can you help ease me stress?”
“Here, Daddy,” Ivanka asked worriedly.
Trump laughed.
“Oh, no, darling, not like that, not like our private, special times,” Trump said, “just do that thing you do that makes me feel better every time.”
Ivanka smiled. She knew exactly what her father needed. She walked over to the desk and leaned over.
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“Everything you do is right, Daddy,” Ivanka whispered almost seductively, “You’ve never made any mistakes. You never will make any mistakes. You are the most handsome, eloquent, erudite, big handed, bigly penis’d man I’ve ever met, and has ever lived on this planet. No matter what you decide, it will be the right thing to do.”
The president listened to his First Lady. He smiled. He took a deep breath.
“Awesome, Ivanka,” Trump said, offering a high-five to his daughter that he quickly spun into a Top Gun windmill high five, which she wasn’t ready for and his hand flew down to her butt, which he smacked, “very awesome. As always you’ve said the exact right thing. I know what I have to do now. Fuck the planet. I am the planet.”
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.
