An Open Letter To The Collective Vaginae of America

Dear The Collective Vaginae of America,

Look, I know that for several years I was not nearly as respectful of you as I could have been. Frankly, I spent much of that precious time figuring out ways in which I could fuck you. Now, though, I come here to make a passionate plea to you all, to keep you from getting fucked. Or at least, fucked over. 

You see, there are these people called the Republican Party. And as unenlightened and gross as I was to Vaginalkind in my youth, these guys take the taco (see, I can’t help myself with this stuff). They’re a pretty scary lot if you’re a vagina, actually.

This is important to know because in about nine months this country will hold a Presidential election. Right now a Democrat is in office. And while there are certainly things he could have done better, for instance not caving to pressure from the Republicans in the House and Senate, he’s not an enema of you, the Collective Vaginae of America. In fact, he’s done his part to try and help you all.

The candidates that the Republicans have postured for nomination later this year should scare the shit of you, Vaginae. They’re all anti-choice. This means if some piece of shit rapes you, or if your cousin gets you drunk at your family reunion and fucks you and makes a baby with that fucking, they wouldn’t want you to have an abortion. In fact, all three would say it’s God’s will that you got pregnant, and that clump of cells no bigger than a pinpoint is a Rape-Incest Baby of Love…God’s love. And therefore it should not be murdered.

Look, here’s the thing, Vaginae. You all have fought fucking hard for the little slice you have. Do you really want someone as President whose chief financial backer calls your handlers  ”gals” un-ironically and says that women used to stuff Aspirins up in you lot for contraception and that worked just fine? No. The answer is no, Vaginae.

They’re all as out of touch as him. Don’t think for one second that any one of them wouldn’t fight hard to overturn many of the laws that are in place that give you the freedoms that penises have. And we all know what dicks penises can be, right?

So here’s what I want you to do, Vaginae of America. Come election time, if your handler happens to pull the lever for whichever clown manages to secure the nomination for the GOP, cramp on them. Or start making really weird noises. Or just do something that will keep her from going through with her vote.

I like you Vaginae. You’ve proven quite handy in many situations. I never knew that you could dribble a basketball so expertly, for instance. Or that you could accurately draw a map of Corn Falls, Idaho without anything other than a cursory glance at an Atlas. I want to see you continue to thrive and flourish, so please help us all out, will you?

We’re all counting on you, Vaginae of America. I know you won’t let us down.