How cute are Rick Santorum and his Financial Sugar Daddy Foster Friess? I’ll tell you how adorable: they are so cute they want women to step into a time machine and stop using all those pesky birth control pills. Their recommendation? Take an Aspirin.
This got me to thinking. What other formall socially accepted traditions that were made irrelevant by social progress should women be
forced asked to participate in? I think the list I came up with is pretty good, and I’ll be forwarding to Rick’s attention at rickysant@surgingsantorum.com.
- Remove Women’s Suffrage: For starters, who really wants to suffer? Besides, if she’s married, she can rest assured her husband will vote with her best intentions in mind. As long as her best intentions are to keep on making dinner, shitting out babies and not taking control over her own reproductive functions. Besides, we hear Susan B. Anthony was a real uppity bitch. “Oh, why can’t we vote too?” Boo-hoo, Susan B. Boo.Fucking.Hoo.
- Make Women Who Cheat Wear Big Red Letters: Why did we ever get away from this tradition? It’s so much easier to identify the easy women in a bar or nightclub if there’s a big red “A” emblazoned on their chests. Some other letters to consider “WNFDTF” for “Will Need Five Drinks to Fuck,”or “WOGA” for “Will Only Give Anal” since she’s saving her vagina for marriage.
- Burn Her!: Are we really sure that women in general have stopped practicing Witchcraft enough to not hold any more Witch Trials? I heard of some book series where it was “cool” to be a witch or warlock, so I say we go back to the days of dunking a woman in a giant tank of water to see if she floats.
- Women Should Have To Wear A Bra At All Times: I don’t know when the ladies started getting all persnickety about wearing these God-given gifts of cleavage control, but all of a sudden they started burnin’ ‘em and shit. And I’m all-like “What, bro, no bra?” And they’re all like, “Yeah, bro, no bra!” Well, fuck that! We all know boobies are the Devil’s way of tempting men into sexual activity, so they need to be holstered like the dangerous concealed weapons that they are.
- No More Blowjobs: I know that in this rough economic times cutting any jobs can be devastating, but let’s not forget something. While everyone, Rick Santorum included, seems to focus on one particular definition of “sodomy,” there’s another definition. I say we keep blowjobs where they belong: In the Catholic Church.
